3,3,3,3

Today Mr and I have been married for 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days.

Here are 33 reasons I can't live without him:

1. He used to sing me "Babe" by Styx over the phone a million years ago.
2. He has the sweetest voice in the world.
3. He loves and compliments my flawed body, ruined by childbirth, as if it were perfection.
4. He always gives me a second "bye" when we get off of the phone. On the rare days he misses it I get so sad!
5. He KNOWS me. Truly more than I even know myself. 
6. He taps his hands and fingers CONSTANTLY. It drives me NUTS but it's such a Mr thing that I would miss so much if it stopped.
7. He loves everything I ever make him to eat. Even if I fail and hate it, he will still eat it! Not that that happens often. I'm a good cook. ;)
8. He loves my kids. LOVES them. They are HIS in his mind. He will do ANYTHING for them and DOES. 
9. He is such an amazing provider for our family. We're a little typical in our gender roles, but it works for us. 
10. We have so much in common musically! We have so few things we don't like that the other likes. I could probably count on two hands anything one of us likes that the other hates. It's AMAZING because music is SO important in our lives. 
11. He has NEVER not been there for me when I needed him. 
12. He tolerates my hatred of the ocean, even though he's a fish.
13. He respects me and my decisions and thoughts.
14. He RARELY questions me.
15. He rubs my back any time I ever ask. :)
16. He is predictable. I know what to expect from him and that is so comforting.
17. He does his man-jobs without complaint! Carrying in the Christmas Tree, taking out the trash, whatever!
18. He brings me anything I ask for, any time. In bed, sitting on the couch sick. Even if I'm just lazy! If I ask him for something he will always just get up and get it!
19. He introduces me to such amazing things! 
20. He tolerates my near-hoarder ways.
21. He is so goofy. 
22. He keeps me grounded and logics me into seeing his way. haha
23. He is SO LOGICAL. It's maddening sometimes, but it's so awesome.
24. He's incredibly smart. 
25. He's a total nerd.
26. He will take us out to do anything I ask. Park? Let's go. Science center? Sure! The city? Why not!
27. He keeps me accountable.
28. He appreciates me and all I do for him.
29. He likes the same candy and desserts as me so we don't have to argue over what to get.
30. He wants the best for our kids and will defend them to the death.
31. He stands up for me and protects me.
32. He's perfectly content to be an introvert with me and just hang out at home all the time.
33. He loves me. Completely, without question. Always has and always will. 

Chemotherapy blows.

Well I started chemotherapy, on June 14. It's been pure hell. I was dizzy (so much so that I couldn't open my eyes and barely could get from the couch to the bathroom) for 4 days straight, went to the MSKCC urgent care (nightmare) got pumped full of fluid and sent home. I've been slightly dizzy since then as well, it hasn't gone away totally yet. I had something like restless leg syndrome, but covering my whole body for 3 days. My vision went wonky for a few days, including aura like with a migraine, even if I had no migraine to go with it. I've had migraines. The anti-nausea meds caused headaches that debilitated me. Lots and lots of heart palpitations. The neulasta shot (given to amp up white blood cell count) made my bones hurt so bad it honestly rivaled kidney stone pain (and I've had 1.6cm stones, I'm not joking), and sent weird throbbing palpitation-like pains throughout my abdomen, up my back and down my legs.

Oh, and did I mention my entire mouth has been covered in sores to the point I no longer have taste buds, nor can I eat almost anything at all since like day 2? Yup. The numbing mouthwash I was prescribed also makes me gag and almost puke because of the undertaste.

This is all aside from the normal chemo stuff like exhaustion (my arms and legs occasionally feel like they weigh 400lbs each) and nausea. Oh, and I'm finally going bald.

And it's all prophylactic. I don't have to do it. So. I might stop. Because it's killing me. It's so much worse than anyone ever thought it would be. My doctors are shocked by how bad it is, but not that sympathetic. They're also impossible to get a hold of. I call first thing in the morning and they call back after hours or the next day. And god forbid I miss the call, then it's another day of waiting. No matter how serious the issue is. I am not a patient, I'm a product. The rest of the hospital/cancer center has been amazing, but this one? SUCKS. I call and ask to speak to the Dr specifically and I get a medical assistant calling me back 7 hours later? Not ok.


So that's where I'm at now. Waiting for Monday to come so the Dr might actually call me back from my request on Wednesday, to talk about quitting. Because I hate this, and I feel it's doing far more bad than good. Considering my Sarcoma Dr assumes I'm disease free already.

I blame cancer.

Well, It's been well over a year since my last post! Let me explain my absence...

In December of 2011 I was diagnosed with synovial sarcoma, a soft-tissue sarcoma (aka cancer) in my left foot (where the arch meets the heel, underneath). It had been there, misdiagnosed as a lipoma, somewhere between 15 and 20 years. During 2011 it started to grow rapidly and became more painful than anything I had experienced (well, possibly rivaling kidney stones anyway). I was getting maybe an hour or two of sleep at night, max. And that's even on prescribed pain killers!

I had the mass removed in December (before they found out it was cancerous and which friends affectionately named Frank). Then went to many doctor appointments after that to determine a plan of action on removing more tissue and reconstruction of my foot afterward. February 14, 2012 I went in for the first, and worst, surgeries. They removed almost all of my heel and a good portion of the arch as well. Then took skin and fat from my thigh (the scar runs almost from my hip to my knee on my left leg) to reconstruct the foot. I spent the next two months sitting with my foot elevated (Letting it drop or dangle could have sent too much blood flowing which could have blown through the stitches on the tiny vessels and veins and such that my plastic surgeon micro-sutured.) then a month more of letting it dangle for 10 minutes at a time. Then another month of letting it dangle but not being able to put pressure on it. Then a few weeks of tip-toeing. Then being able to walk after that, but it was so sore I could only go short bursts before having to rest it. It wasn't till the end of the year before I could actually walk like a normal human being again (remember when it started, I was a pre-teen and since then had NEVER walked on that heel - I had to relearn how to walk completely!).

During the past year I gained about 25-30 pounds, just sitting non-stop, not moving, not being able to even take a walk. I'm desperately waiting for spring to come so I can start working on losing this absurd amount of weight I've gained (yes, absurd for me - This is the heaviest I have ever been, even after both of my kids I weighed less!). I am so uncomfortable in my clothes (though the husboy will be sad - Bye bye 32F boobs! haha), I can't wait to get back down to a size 5 in jeans. CANNOT WAIT. I have so many more clothing options at that point! And I will be going shopping again. To celebrate, of course.

That's about all I can do right now, I've got a Finley needing attention suddenly. ;)

Impossible? nope.

My life has always been, let's say tumultuous.
I have always had health issues, since I was born. Always got any illness that came around, and worse than most other people. I've had a physical disability that left me walking on only the ball of my left foot, Acne galore, eczema, sensitivity to all sorts of things, lactose intolerance, kidney stones... you name it.

I've also always had some sort of emotional turbulence going on. I remember my parents fighting constantly as a small child. I remember TVs being thrown across the room, screaming, hitting... all while hiding in the closet or sobbing on my big brother's bedroom floor from fear. My parents divorced when I was very young. I rarely saw my mom after that, not due to her own choice. She was forbidden from coming to my birthday parties and such. I kind of had to teach myself to be a woman (I still get things wrong that most other woman have known since middle school), including the whole menstrual aspect. I grew up with just my dad, then my step-mom added to the mix in high school, but I never had a close relationship with either of them.

That leads into my relationship woes. I started dating early. Lost my virginity probably earlier than I should have. Dated just about anyone who showed interest. Had sex with them just to feel loved. Typical low self esteem teenage girl with daddy issues. Haha I held on to those issues all the way until I married my exhusband. No one I knew thought I should do it. I'd only known him 7 months, I converted to Christianity for him, he was mentally/emotionally abusive, and bi-polar. I got sucked in, and then got stuck. Had two kids, probably hoping they'd change him and give me someone to love that would love back. Then the divorce and all THAT drama.

I've been through a lot, obviously, and I have only scratched the surface of my life's dramas.


But now... this new era I'm being forced into against my will... This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And my best friend and mommy are both on the other side of the country. Thankfully I have a large support system here with TJ and his family, but it's still hard.
No... I can't give details yet, as I don't even know them all. I'm sure I'll be letting the cat out of the bag soon. Hopefully good news.

Blackbird

My blog title's inspiration comes from the song "Blackbird" by The Beatles. I've sort of come to adopt it as a motto when life gets rough (and BOY did mine get rough in 2010!). I've gone from just singing, hoping to fly, to full-on SOARING through life and it's fantastic.


Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Finally, a new beginning!

It's a new start! In the recent (-5 years) past I was forced to shut down and delete my former blog. It was hard and very sad, as my blog was becoming very popular, I was on the way to actually making money on it. I had amazing contests going for great products, I had reviews going, I had TONS of followers. Then in a matter of a few weeks GONE. All of it. It was pretty upsetting to have to delete, forever, all of the hard work and life stories I'd accumulated and shared.

But now... NOW my life has had a new start. I've received a new start for not just my life, but the lives of my sons, and let me tell you: It's FANTASTIC. Not everyone gets a chance at a second take! I know this well, and I cherish my life now and where it will be headed. I've crossed the country, remarried, and revamped my friendships to weed out those who truly weren't my friends. Now I can focus on my REAL friendships and work to make sure I give enough to those. I can also focus on my children and bringing them up properly, and work on making sure my new marriage never goes anywhere near the caverns of doom my last one went down into.

Here's to my life's new start, and my blog's new beginning as well! I hope those of you reading can find some enjoyment once I get this going! I have some grand plans, so stick around!

--Sarah <3