Yelling.
We all do it. We all (usually) feel bad about it.
But what about those of us who grew up in homes with constant yelling/screaming? How do we cope with yelling as adults?
Often, not so well.
I, for example, am highly stressed by yelling. It scares me, and I instantly go into shut-down/self-preservation mode. My husband is a yeller. He's Italian, and typically so. His normal speaking voice is about 3x as loud as mine. When he thinks he's speaking quietly he's speaking in a voice that for me would be fervent speech.
We have a difference here though. He was raised by an Italian family, all loud, all expressive. I was raised by angry parents who fought all the time. For him, it's just part of who you are, you're loud, because everyone else is loud. I, however, view it as anger and shy away from those who are having those types of conversations. I shut down. I stop interacting and go inside myself to hide.
I'll be honest and say I've been going to therapy for a while. And it's helped enormously. A lot of what I've figured out has come simply by my therapist's prodding questions and my bringing things to light I'd never thought to put together. In fact, she recently told me I didn't need to see her anymore, as she's seem drastic improvement with me and how I'm living and coping in this world.
One thing she helped me with: yelling. Both listening to it and doing it. I *hated* the fact that I yelled at my kids or my husband. I felt, as someone who knows how damaging that can be, that I was being a hypocrite and my self-worth was gradually washing away with each shriek. My therapist made me realize that EVERYONE yells, everyone gets mad, it's actually healthy to be upset and yell. But... only sometimes. I've learned some tricks on stopping the yell before it happens, or even how to recover after I've slipped and let it out with a vengeance.
Yelling, for me, is something that happens now. Not just something to put me immediately into shut-down mode. If it's a huge fight and there is a LOT of yelling... yes I'll break and shut down. It's my coping mechanism. It's what works for me. It's not ideal, at all, but it's biological and sometimes impossible to stop. But I'm doing better. I've gained perspective. I've gained strength. I've gained self-respect and the ability to take a stand for myself, to myself. And it's been wonderful.
Are you a yeller? How do you deal with others yelling?
I came across this site a while back, before therapy: http://theorangerhino.com/
It's an anti-yelling-at-your-kids challenge, and I love the idea! It's a great resource if you want to stop your yelling. Let me know how you do!
